Feelings can confuse you

Right now I'm sitting on my couch crying. My feelings are raw and possibly coming from a place of untruthfulness. Feelings can lie to us. We can lie to ourselves. Our fear tells us things like he hates you or he thinks you're lazy and take advantage of him and you're selfish and don't care about him. It may be true it may not. I know truths that make some of my broken records false. I know he loves me even if he's not great at showing me the way I want him to. I know I do care for him very much. I love him maybe more than is good for me. He knows I love him. I have proven my love for him over and over again. As for the rest I do not know. I have told myself these things more times than I can count. I have worn lazy on my chest almost my whole life like a scarlet letter. I can so easily convince myself that it is all my fault, and I am a bad person.

I am always striving to be a good girl. I need to be a good example. I always put my family's needs before mine own. I cave in and give up to make him happy.

I tried to step up and take responsibility for myself. Started talking my vitamins and going to sleep sooner. This seems to have rocked the boat. Maybe my timing is off. Maybe I resent him for not being more supportive or not taking care me the way I want him to. Maybe maybe maybe. I am confused.

I can only do what I can do. If I want to be happy I have to make that choice. I am only responsible for my own happiness. I'm the only one I can control. For me I need to make choices that will bring me joy. When I have joy than I can share it with others.

Joy. Men are that they might have joy. We exist to be joyful. So why is it hard to find and so fleeting? Because we make it so.

I need to stop making it hard.

Intention

Intention-
I am willing to trust myself to be able and capable to handle every situation put before me.

Goals-
1. Acknowledge myself for past situations where I was capable and things worked out.
2. Continue to stretch and take risks that build evidence that trusting myself is a good idea.
3. Give myself a break if a situation arises that is a challenge and choose to learn from it.

Gratitudes

I am grateful for:
1. Jay who always is so willing to help me out with picking up Lily from school.
2. My daughter Irisa who is so loving and willing to do her homework.
3. Rhonda Britten and her willingness to help us all to live in freedom.
4. My mom and her efforts to stay in contact with me.
5. Necip's efforts to stay connected to Jay and our family. 

Acknowledgements

I acknowledge myself for:
1. Getting on the PC call today and taking notes.
2.  Writing on 2 of my blogs and releasing expectations of how they will be received. 3. Writing down my acknowledgements tonight.
4. Writing on my let's hatch Facebook page.
5. Reaching out to an old friend and risking rejection.