Feelings can confuse you

Right now I'm sitting on my couch crying. My feelings are raw and possibly coming from a place of untruthfulness. Feelings can lie to us. We can lie to ourselves. Our fear tells us things like he hates you or he thinks you're lazy and take advantage of him and you're selfish and don't care about him. It may be true it may not. I know truths that make some of my broken records false. I know he loves me even if he's not great at showing me the way I want him to. I know I do care for him very much. I love him maybe more than is good for me. He knows I love him. I have proven my love for him over and over again. As for the rest I do not know. I have told myself these things more times than I can count. I have worn lazy on my chest almost my whole life like a scarlet letter. I can so easily convince myself that it is all my fault, and I am a bad person.

I am always striving to be a good girl. I need to be a good example. I always put my family's needs before mine own. I cave in and give up to make him happy.

I tried to step up and take responsibility for myself. Started talking my vitamins and going to sleep sooner. This seems to have rocked the boat. Maybe my timing is off. Maybe I resent him for not being more supportive or not taking care me the way I want him to. Maybe maybe maybe. I am confused.

I can only do what I can do. If I want to be happy I have to make that choice. I am only responsible for my own happiness. I'm the only one I can control. For me I need to make choices that will bring me joy. When I have joy than I can share it with others.

Joy. Men are that they might have joy. We exist to be joyful. So why is it hard to find and so fleeting? Because we make it so.

I need to stop making it hard.

Intention

Intention-
I am willing to trust myself to be able and capable to handle every situation put before me.

Goals-
1. Acknowledge myself for past situations where I was capable and things worked out.
2. Continue to stretch and take risks that build evidence that trusting myself is a good idea.
3. Give myself a break if a situation arises that is a challenge and choose to learn from it.

Gratitudes

I am grateful for:
1. Jay who always is so willing to help me out with picking up Lily from school.
2. My daughter Irisa who is so loving and willing to do her homework.
3. Rhonda Britten and her willingness to help us all to live in freedom.
4. My mom and her efforts to stay in contact with me.
5. Necip's efforts to stay connected to Jay and our family. 

Acknowledgements

I acknowledge myself for:
1. Getting on the PC call today and taking notes.
2.  Writing on 2 of my blogs and releasing expectations of how they will be received. 3. Writing down my acknowledgements tonight.
4. Writing on my let's hatch Facebook page.
5. Reaching out to an old friend and risking rejection.

11-17-11

I've been working my way up the past week and a half. I didn't do much of anything since then. I hit a low. I wasn't sleeping much or eating well or getting anything done. I veg when I'm sad or down or on a low. I like to pretend that I don't have problems or feel incapable of doing anything.
Life is hard sometimes but it is for everyone. I think that life is meant to be enjoyed it just getting through all the crud that makes us forget that to be able to be happy. We forget everything so easily. We forget who we are the most I think. We are creations of a loving God, His children. I know I don't want my kids to feel this way about themselves. That's why I'm trying to fix myself and not pass on this to them.

I talked to my life coach on Saturday (yes even life coaches have life coaches). She really got me thinking. One of the biggest thoughts was maybe I'm not pretending to be "Kelly". This personality that I put out into the world for you all to see. Maybe I am Kelly. Because most of the time I feel like a blob of nothingness. Something without form or worth. Those are my feelings. Usually my knowledge that I am a daughter of God is enough to push away those thought or feelings but sometimes it's not. I've been thinking about this idea for the last few days and I see it more as I am the shadow that Kelly is creating. Now I'm trying to shift to thinking that I am the creator of the shadow. I am Kelly. And I am. I create all the misconceptions that I have. I can create new ones. That's my new goal.

I'm not sure what I want to use this blog as because it doesn't look like anyone is reading it. So I could put what ever I want to on it. I haven't been sleeping well lately. Usually getting 3 hours of sleep a night. But, last night I went to bed early. And then I slept in today so I got a lot of sleep. I don't feel rested though. My body still aches and I want to go back to bed. The thing that gets me out of bed is mainly my kids. Or having an appointment that I need to get ready for. My bed is the place I want to be most of the time though. I think if I didn't have kids I wouldn't get out of bed most days. They are my main reason for living. They keep me trying and keep me searching for a better tomorrow. They save my life everyday.

History

Growing up I don't know when I noticed the beginning of my depression. I remember being concern with my weight very young and not telling anyone about it. I remember not feeling like my family really got me or wanted me or enjoyed me being around. I remember trying so hard for them to love me and crying all the time because I didn't feel like they did. I know I was sensitive and still am. But, I don't know when or if I saw it as different from what others were doing or thinking too, until I got older. I think even now I am just seeing that my behavior may be different from the norm. You mean not everyone thinks about ceasing to exist?
When I was in the 8th grade I went around one day saying that I was going to go home and kill myself. I don't know why I went that far. I know I was sad that some boy didn't like me back but I don't know if it is normal for a 13 year old to want to end her life even if joking over a boy not liking her. One of my friends took me for my word or at least was worried enough that she made me come home with her after school. We talked and she made me call the boy and talk to him and kind of tell him what was going on. I don't remember a lot of what happened except overwhelming feelings of shame. I felt stupid for acting like that or really feeling like that. I even went to the point of sticking a large and long knife down my throat. Dramatic right. I got attention right. But, I never told anyone anything like that again. I never wanted to talk about it. I would just feel it or think it but not share it. I didn't want anyone to know what I really felt about myself again. Then 2 years later my Dad committed suicide and I felt like it was my fault. If I had done it that day then my Dad wouldn't of saw it as an option 2 years later to his situation. I told myself all sorts of things. But, the most real thing that came from it was that my Dad took that option from me. I can never actually follow thru with my thoughts and feeling of suicide.So if I can't end it or stop the thoughts and feelings and pain that way, what was I going to do? Unknowingly I started a new journey of my life. One that has lead me to different places and people and choices for myself. But, most importantly it has kept me Living.