History

Growing up I don't know when I noticed the beginning of my depression. I remember being concern with my weight very young and not telling anyone about it. I remember not feeling like my family really got me or wanted me or enjoyed me being around. I remember trying so hard for them to love me and crying all the time because I didn't feel like they did. I know I was sensitive and still am. But, I don't know when or if I saw it as different from what others were doing or thinking too, until I got older. I think even now I am just seeing that my behavior may be different from the norm. You mean not everyone thinks about ceasing to exist?
When I was in the 8th grade I went around one day saying that I was going to go home and kill myself. I don't know why I went that far. I know I was sad that some boy didn't like me back but I don't know if it is normal for a 13 year old to want to end her life even if joking over a boy not liking her. One of my friends took me for my word or at least was worried enough that she made me come home with her after school. We talked and she made me call the boy and talk to him and kind of tell him what was going on. I don't remember a lot of what happened except overwhelming feelings of shame. I felt stupid for acting like that or really feeling like that. I even went to the point of sticking a large and long knife down my throat. Dramatic right. I got attention right. But, I never told anyone anything like that again. I never wanted to talk about it. I would just feel it or think it but not share it. I didn't want anyone to know what I really felt about myself again. Then 2 years later my Dad committed suicide and I felt like it was my fault. If I had done it that day then my Dad wouldn't of saw it as an option 2 years later to his situation. I told myself all sorts of things. But, the most real thing that came from it was that my Dad took that option from me. I can never actually follow thru with my thoughts and feeling of suicide.So if I can't end it or stop the thoughts and feelings and pain that way, what was I going to do? Unknowingly I started a new journey of my life. One that has lead me to different places and people and choices for myself. But, most importantly it has kept me Living.