11-17-11

I've been working my way up the past week and a half. I didn't do much of anything since then. I hit a low. I wasn't sleeping much or eating well or getting anything done. I veg when I'm sad or down or on a low. I like to pretend that I don't have problems or feel incapable of doing anything.
Life is hard sometimes but it is for everyone. I think that life is meant to be enjoyed it just getting through all the crud that makes us forget that to be able to be happy. We forget everything so easily. We forget who we are the most I think. We are creations of a loving God, His children. I know I don't want my kids to feel this way about themselves. That's why I'm trying to fix myself and not pass on this to them.

I talked to my life coach on Saturday (yes even life coaches have life coaches). She really got me thinking. One of the biggest thoughts was maybe I'm not pretending to be "Kelly". This personality that I put out into the world for you all to see. Maybe I am Kelly. Because most of the time I feel like a blob of nothingness. Something without form or worth. Those are my feelings. Usually my knowledge that I am a daughter of God is enough to push away those thought or feelings but sometimes it's not. I've been thinking about this idea for the last few days and I see it more as I am the shadow that Kelly is creating. Now I'm trying to shift to thinking that I am the creator of the shadow. I am Kelly. And I am. I create all the misconceptions that I have. I can create new ones. That's my new goal.